SONG: KGOD Late Night Quiz
[INTRO – LOW ELECTRICAL HUM]
[OLD AM RADIO STATIC]
[DISTANT THUNDER]
[SOFT HAMMOND ORGAN]
[TUBE AMP BUZZ]
[SHORTWAVE BURSTS]
[PHONE LINE CRACKLE]
HOST:
[DEEP WORLD-WEARY MALE RADIO VOICE]
Hello caller…
you’re on the air…
this is station Kay Gee Oh Dee…
Kay GOD…
the station that makes it…
Broadcasting semi-continuously since next Thursday.
What’s on your mind tonight, caller?
CALLER #1:
[TIRED TRUCK DRIVER VOICE]
Not much.
Just drivin’ through Northern Siberia.
Listening to your station.
HOST:
Fair enough.
Let me ask you something then, caller…
How do you spell “I.Q.”?
[LONG SILENCE]
[LOW ELECTRICAL HUM]
CALLER #1:
…uh…
I have no idea.
[CHEAP GAME SHOW BELLS]
[SINGLE APPLAUSE CLAP]
[SAD AIRHORN]
HOST:
THAT IS CORRECT!
CALLER:
What?
HOST:
Congratulations caller…
you’ve just won a slightly used astral projection kit…
a family-sized bucket of dehydrated enlightenment…
and two tickets aboard the Bardo Bus.
Please have exact fare ready while boarding.
[SHORTWAVE BURST]
[HAMMOND ORGAN SWELL]
HOST:
Strong start tonight, folks.
Lines are open…
for questions…
confessions…
strange lights over the interstate…
and minor dimensional emergencies.
[PHONE RING]
HOST:
Caller number two…
you’re live on Kay GOD After Midnight.
CALLER #2:
[HIGH NERVOUS MALE VOICE]
Yeah Russ…
which two Canadian provinces are separated by the B.C.–Alberta border?
HOST:
Sir…
this is a family program.
CALLER:
No really.
HOST:
…British Columbia and Alberta.
[LONG SILENCE]
HOST:
Folks…
we may have a professional listener tonight.
[CROWD APPLAUSE]
[ONE PERSON WHISTLES]
[KGOD STATION ID]
[LOW RADIO CHIMES]
ANNOUNCER:
KGOD…
the station that makes it.
Serving truckers…
mystics…
and government employees unable to explain missing time.
[OLD RADIO STATIC]
[DIAL SPINNING]
HOST:
And now tonight’s midnight quiz question…
What is the capital of England?
[PHONE CLICK]
CALLER #3:
[SMOOTH FEMALE VOICE]
… The letter “E”.
[VERY LONG SILENCE]
[LOW ELECTRICAL BUZZ]
HOST:
…that’s technically correct.
[HUGE APPLAUSE]
[CHEAP GAME SHOW BELLS]
[FAKE COMMERCIAL MUSIC]
[UPBEAT 1950s ORGAN]
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight’s program brought to you by
Doctor Haversham’s Freeze-Dried Survival Yogurt.
When society collapses…
you’ll still deserve dessert.
Now available in six exciting shades of beige.
[FAST DISCLAIMER VOICE]
Warning:
may cause temporary telepathy…
spontaneous chanting…
and vivid memories of civilizations that never existed.
[SHORTWAVE STATIC BURST]
MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
…the tulips are invisible…
repeat…
the tulips are invisible…
[STATIC CUTS OUT]
HOST:
Well…
that can’t be good.
[PHONE LINE HUM]
HOST:
Caller number four…
you’re on the air.
CALLER #4:
[PARANOID FEMALE VOICE]
Kay God???
You’ve got to help me.
I think I’m being abducted by aliens again.
HOST:
Again?
Well, are these standard extraterrestrial greys…
nordics…
lizard men…
or possibly premium subscribers?
CALLER:
I don’t know … they’re making gestures.
I think they want a basket of junk jewelry in exchange for Manhattan…
the Bronx…
and Staten Island too.
HOST:
Tell them we’re currently out of stock.
[STATIC CRASH]
[EMERGENCY ALERT TONE]
ANNOUNCER:
This is a public service announcement.
If you are currently experiencing reality distortion… you’re not the only one. Okay, please pull over safely to the side of the universe that says “prop department”.
Do not operate under heavy karma while temporarily completely disoriented.
[KGOD STATION ID]
ANNOUNCER:
Kay GOD After Midnight…
where every answer raises two additional questions.
[HELICOPTER SOUND]
[POLICE RADIO STATIC]
HOST:
Traffic update now from Southern California.
TRAFFIC REPORTER:
[FAST OVERCAFFEINATED FEMALE VOICE]
the westbound lanes of Interstate Five remain blocked by abandoned electric scooters…
three emotional support peacocks…
and what authorities are describing only as…
“some sort of glowing portal.”
Back to you.
HOST:
Thank you Stan Francisco.
Drive carefully tonight, folks.
Especially near doorways.
[LOW SYNTH DRONE]
[SHORTWAVE BURSTS]
HOST:
And now we go live to our field correspondent,
Russell Caddle,
somewhere beneath the Denver airport tarmac.
FIELD REPORTER:
[MUFFLED GOVERNMENT OPERATIVE VOICE]
Thank you.
It appears that the aliens are returning Denver as agreed in the cease fire.
The lizard people remain cautious…
but optimistic.
Back to you.
HOST:
Beautiful report tonight.
ANNOUNCER:
This portion of tonight’s program sponsored by
Professor Maldonado’s Genuine Imitation Crystal Decoder Ring.
See invisible dimensions…
confuse your neighbors…
and receive messages from beyond the veil.
Coming up next:
weather reports from alternate realities…
celebrity near-death experiences…
classified ads for haunted recreational vehicles…
and recipes from the Post-Apocalyptic Civilization Collapse Cookbook.
This is station Kay Gee Oh Dee…
Kay GOD…
the station that makes it…
Be seeing you.
===========================================================================
Here’s the Bardo bus now!
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See You At The Top!!!
gorby