Lawyer Up!

Here, contained in this song, are my lyric prompts, posted below, to show how I get certain effects. The prompts shown are not the only way to get those effects, but they are the easiest to use and to master:

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[Intro – Slow New Orleans funeral march, mournful trombone, distant snare drum]

[Deep bass voice, spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen…
The chairman has entered the building.

[Chorus, whispered]
Uh-oh… uh-oh…
Somebody better call somebody!

[Lead singer]
I woke up this morning
With a knock upon my door,
There was a man with a briefcase
And a dozen subpoenas more.
He said, “The chairman wants to see you!”
I said, “What chairman? Who?”
He said, “The one with all the questions,
And he’s got a few for you!”

[Chorus – Brass band kicks in]
LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Better get your lawyer up!
When the chairman comes a-knockin’,
Better put that coffee cup down!

LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Here comes the subpoena truck!
If you can’t recall a thing,
Let your legal counsel sing!

[Verse 2 – Bouncy Dixieland]

I called my family attorney,
He said, “I’m booked until July!”
I called a constitutional expert,
He said, “Don’t ask me why!”
I called a criminal defense man,
He said, “My fee is mighty steep!”
I said, “How much for just a question?”
He said, “A thousand bucks a peep!”

[Chorus – Call and response]
LAWYER UP! (Lawyer up!)
BUTTON UP! (Button up!)
Better get your lawyer up!
Everybody’s got a story,
Everybody’s got a cup!

SUBPOENA! (Subpoena!)
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? (Have you seen her?)
She’s coming down the hall!
She’s wearing sensible shoes
And she’s serving one and all!

[Verse 3 – Comic patter, accelerating]

The senator said, “I don’t recall!”
The governor said, “Me neither!”
The congressman said, “I wasn’t there!”
The lawyer said, “Take a breather!”

The treasurer lost his calendar,
The secretary lost her phone,
The chairman found a photograph
Of everybody home!

[Chorus – Full brass, stomping rhythm]
LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Better get your lawyer up!
Here comes the investigation
With a great big coffee cup!

LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Better get your lawyer up!
When they ask you where the money went,
Don’t say, “I bought a truck!”

[Bridge – Music stops, courtroom dialogue]

[Chairman, spoken]
Do you swear to tell the truth?

[Witness, spoken]
Could you define “the truth”?

[Chairman]
Were you present at the meeting?

[Witness]
Could you define “present”?

[Chairman]
Do you remember anything?

[Witness]
On advice of counsel…
I don’t remember my advice!

[Band explodes into wild Dixieland]

[Verse 4 – Fast, joyous parade]

The lawyers bought new Cadillacs,
The paralegals bought a boat,
The stenographer bought an island
And a brand-new winter coat!

The lobbyists are hiding,
The consultants changed their names,
The accountants took up juggling
And the bankers took the blame!

[Chorus – Gospel-style harmonies]
LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Better get your lawyer up!
There’s a hearing in the morning
And the cameras all showed up!

LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Better get your lawyer up!
If your memory’s gone fishing,
Better bring a bigger cup!

[Breakdown – Tuba and handclaps]

[Deep bass]
Who signed the paper?

[Chorus]
Don’t recall!

[Deep bass]
Who made the payment?

[Chorus]
Don’t recall!

[Deep bass]
Who was at the meeting?

[Chorus]
Nobody at all!

[Deep bass]
Then whose fingerprints are these?

[Chorus, suddenly silent]
…

[One trombone plays a sad descending note]

[Final Chorus – Full marching band, triumphant]

LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Everybody lawyer up!
From the basement to the penthouse,
Better get your lawyer up!

LAWYER UP! LAWYER UP!
Let the whole brass section blow!
When the chairman starts the hearing,
Everybody’s got a show!

[Outro – Music slows to funeral march]

[Chairman, spoken]
One final question.
Does your client have anything to say?

[Attorney, spoken]
Your honor…
My client has no recollection
Of ever having a recollection.

[Deep bass, whispered]
Billable hours…

[Chorus, fading]
Lawyer up…
Lawyer up…
Lawyer uuuuuup…

[Final tuba note]

[Spoken, distant]
That’ll be six thousand dollars.

[End]

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Hooray, here’s the Bardo bus now!!!

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See You At The Top!!!

gorby