Comedy Gag Elements for a Presidential Comedy Routine



Do you feel like punching Donald Trump right in his bulbous red nose? You wouldn’t be alone, but it’d be a big mistake to let that rage take you over. That’s exactly what Donald Trump wants, is your permanent rage, because that means you’re giving him the attention he needs and craves and must have every minute of every day.

How would you like to convert that rage and frustration into something good and peaceful and contributory and gentle and kind and loving and wonderful and beneficial to all beings everywhere?

That’s exactly the point of the Spiritual Technology which I used to call “CONVERSION”,  the fundamental basis for a system I once called “Anger Management”, given in the form of workshops in 1964 and 1965. I don’t use the term anymore, because it was popularized and turned into a money machine and I want no part of that action, thank you very much.

Conversion is the plan. Sure, you feel lousy and miserable, and befouled and angry and frustrated and annoyed and fearful and distrustful. These must be converted solidly into positive energy, and the best energy beam ever made was and always will be “Waves of Enlightenment”.

They act like waves, so the subject is more or less continually beaten on the head to wake up and see the Light — in short, “Get fucking Enlightened NOW!”

You start with the lower emotions and sensations, of course. It always starts with something small.

Anger, rage, frustration.

But wait!!! Those are the very same symptoms felt all day and all night by Donald Trump! How is that Possible? He’s a multibillionaire and has anything and anyone he wants in his pocket, bedroom or twitter account, or so it would seem.

As a Remote Reader, I know the truth. He’s actually in debt up to his eyeballs, and is under the power of those who give him bailout money to keep his financial empire from going under, which it has nearly done several dozen times in a row.

Donald Trump Lives in Hell.

“Why, Faustus, this IS Hell, nor am I out of it. Of all the inhabitants of Hell, none but Lucifer KNOWS THAT HELL IS HELL.” — with thanks to my good friend Chris Marlowe for the quote.

Anger, rage, frustration.

If you could get away with it, wouldn’t you just love to flush Donald Trump down the toilet he came in on?

Oh, that’s a terrible thought, right? No, it doesn’t even come close to comparing to Donald Trump’s rage when he suggested to his followers about Hillary Clinton, that “Maybe some Second Amendment Rights person will take care of her.”

Second Amendment Activists are against gun control.

Was Trump suggesting that someone blow Hillary away? He thinks he’s a LOT more clever than he actually is. Quite frankly, he’s transparent as Hell, and his mean and selfish nature is dominant and defiant.

Hate crimes against Jews are up almost 200% since Donald Trump took office. Why do you suppose that is? So if someone does something, can it be traced back to Donald Trump’s mild smirking suggestion at some press conference?

Charles Manson was convicted of suggesting murder to his followers. Is Trump’s comment any different, and what would have happened to him had someone followed his vile and criminal suggestion?

No matter what the President does, it’s wrong to want to get rid of him or her, except through legal means, such as impeachment, and yes, Virginia, impeachment does happen when the facts are brought to light, and that’s what will eventually prevail, the Rule of Law.

That’s the only thing holding civilization together. Without the Rule of Law, you have nothing, and even SUGGESTING to a crowd of believers that someone “might be taken care of by some Second Amendment Activist” is, to my immortal mind, downright criminal, and if someone else doesn’t speak up about this, I’m damn well going to! It’s totally criminal.

You’re damn right, criminal, not merely civil, as in the Libel suit I hope gets brought against him by Obama.

Donald Trump is the President, so he is supposedly the MODEL of behavior for all kids in school who are watching this drama unfold.

Trump apparently also committed perjury and brought false witness and impugned and soiled and dirtied the reputation of Former President Obama, of whom you’ll note that I speak with respect, as I have done with all prior U.S. Presidents until this creep came along, and forced me to speak badly where I should speak with respect.

I’m a taxpayer. I’m Trump’s boss.

He’s such an egomaniac that he’ll never admit that, but it’s totally true. He is a salaried elected public official, sworn specifically upon taking office to uphold the Constitution of the United States of America.

If you’re a citizen of the United States, you’re his boss, too, but someone who is so crazy over control and domination can’t possibly imagine that concept. To him, HE’S the Boss and all Amerikan citizens are his SUBJECTS.

Holy shit, is this guy nuts. Napoleon, get outta town!

What’s more, he’s never paid taxes in his life, so he doesn’t even COUNT as a citizen worthy of respect in my opinion. If you pay your taxes religiously as I do, without claiming any extraordinary exemptions, you have the right to walk up to Trump and say, “You’re fired!”

Frankly, I wouldn’t like it if he were removed from office, because I have personally never had so much goddam FUN at the expense of a political figure since Attilla the Hun conquered half the known land mass of Planet Earth.

I should be able to speak out without fear of an IRS audit.

I’ll bet that I can tolerate an IRS revenge audit better than he can, dollars to donuts I come out the winner, and I won’t withhold MY tax returns, asshole!

Trump suggested to his followers that they make “Hillary For Prison” t-shirts, and they did. Besides the fact that that was downright mean and low below the belt, but it was unprofessional and far over the top even for a Presidential campaign, which you expect to be fought hard.

Of course, it’s Trump who will end up in prison, once they trace down the mysterious “Dmitri” and other politicians and Russian and European businessmen who are his “associates” — actually his bosses and his “control”.

Trump hates and distrusts the intelligence community, because HE  HAS A DEEP SECRET THAT HE DOESN’T WANT EXPOSED and he knows that they could easily bust him if they knew where to look — at “Dmitri” for instance, if they used Remote Viewing Operatives like I used to be.

My Remoter Skills are no less now.

Trump is guilty of a LOT of transgressions and outrages, and they will ALL come out, but it’s never soon enough, right?

Donald Trump is so messed up in his head that he UNKNOWINGLY and UNWITTINGLY leaves a bloody trail about as messy as the one left by O.J. Simpson.

Listen, I pay my taxes without complaint — although that has changed — and I don’t care what happens. As I’ve said, I’m 75 years out of port, and on top of that fact, this world has never been important to me — I’m here on a history mission.

I’m quite prepared to end up a refugee in a long line of refugees at the Canadian border — they’d never let us into Mexico after Trump’s outrages against them — and you should also be prepared to end up as a refugee, too.

No matter what your current situation, you can become a helpless refugee, if you’re an Amerikan citizen, or deportee, if you’re not.

It can happen overnight. You go to sleep in a free nation, and in the morning, you wake up to see the area covered in tanks and heavily armed men in uniform, and wham! You’re living in a Police State and the army has taken control.

Welcome to Trump Amerika.

Technically, it’s called a “Military Junta”, but frankly, who wants to live through that?

I’m not interested in money or the things money can buy, even healthcare, quite frankly, because I’m 75 years out of port and headed for home, but I’m also living very differently than you are, unless you’ve activated the Perm Waking State in yourself, something I emphatically do NOT recommend for the novice.

Anyhow, raging won’t buy you anything. Keep that in mind as we go along. Rage against Trump is fruitless, and that’s not some cheap

Of course, you can’t even SPEAK about Trump, positive OR negative, without endangering yourself in this nice, new Nazi environment we’re living in, full of hatred, violence and suspicion, for as long as it lasts.

It won’t last long, and I’m not guessing. I have 37th century history lessons upon which to draw, although my memories of class lectures is somewhat on the fuzzy side, because my history class falls at 1100 Hours, which would normally be my nap time if my body ruled, but it doesn’t, and I often will sort of half-doze as the professors drone on.

Textbooks? I haven’t ever cracked a textbook in my entire life. Anything I want to know is stored in the Akashic Records, which I use every day without really thinking, “Hey, I’m using the Akashic Library again!!!”.

It’s become second nature to rely on the ARL — Akashic Records Library — for all my research needs. Unlike my internet connection, I never lose contact with the Records Office.

Perhaps that’s not such a good thing, because it takes the punch and guesswork out of the future, doesn’t it? I mean, if you already know how it comes out, you might as well just jump to the next segment, no?


That’s not a good answer. Nor is rage or anger or frustration, not because they are “bad”, but because they are ineffective and inefficient.

When you feel like treating your President like a punching bag, and you’ve never felt that way before, it can be very upsetting. I personally resent the fact that I HAVE TO refer to the President of the United States as an insane asshole.

I also can’t believe that there are so many hate-filled people out there in Amerika, who would LOVE to see Trump take over and make things right.

Far from making Amerika great again, he will cause the world to think of Amerikans as a bunch of shmucks, and they’d be right.

Personally, I’m betting on the great new country of Pacifica to come out the winner in all of this ruckus, at least until Pacifica is attacked and overrun by … oh, but I published all that stuff in “SlimeWars” which is still in publication today.

I Failed Earth History 101.

What I mean is, no point reprinting 150 chapters of that book here and anyhow, they’re very inaccurate, due to a slur in my memory for names, dates and places.

In SlimeWars, I outlined in extreme detail all the Earth History I COULD REMEMBER from my lessons. I don’t rely entirely on my memory of what I picked up in class or what I failed to do as homework or assigned reading, for my information when I’m making important decisions, however — for two solid reasons:

  1. I barely managed a D+ on my exam.
  2. I can’t seem to remember dates and places, and names escape me entirely.

Frankly, I don’t care. It’s all just a blur to me anyway. I hated history, until I started visiting the past, like here.

It is so weird to live in a society of natural telepaths who suppress the perceptions provided by telepathic contact, and pretend to be entirely cut off from the Cosmic Consciousness.

Anyway, rage against the machine, for all the good it will do you. Serious debate has no effect, but ridicule cuts right through the defenses, right to the bone, which is where ugly goes, while beauty is only skin deep.

Anger, rage, frustration — they can be transformed magically into good spiritual food for Enlightenment of your comedy target, toward his or her Enlightenment, and you’ll note that I do NOT specify gender here in relation to Donald Trump, because he’s a nebbish, a nothing.

He once asked Phyllis Diller if he should have a sex change, and she replied, “From what?” — Please don’t react to that gag — it was included out of respect for Diller, nothing more.

It’s the Old Conversion Play.

Don’t give in to the Dark Side, Luke. Stay on Target, Luke.

These are important teachings that are embedded in Star Wars just as they are in your DNA, if you can reach in there and get hold of it.

Don’t respond with anger.

Sure, you’d like to punch the motherfucking goddam sonofabitch lying bastard right in his ugly pig-nose, but that’s against not only the law, but all common sense and spiritual Right Action, don’t you see?

Don’t respond with rage to rage.

Donald Trump is a multi-billionaire who is in so much spiritual pain and torture that he can barely stay alive. He’d have done himself in long years ago, if he could have mustered up the courage, but he’s a coward, a bully and a coward, and so are his friends.

How would you like to be inside one of those foul, cruel instruments of torture? Sounds like Hell, doesn’t it? That’s exactly what it is. Hell is NOT what you think it is!

If you’re living in Hell, you’re in Hell.

If your insides are crawling and your mind is coming apart at the seams and your emotions are streaking around in pain, you ARE in Hell — you don’t have to wait to die, you’re already dead and in Hell, if you live there all day long, and many violent creatures DO live in Hell.

Strangely, it’s called, on the street, “The Life”. You call THAT living??? You can start expressing yourself verbally instead of with violence. Violence never works, as tempting as it might seem.

Violence is not an answer.

After all the violence is over, humans tend to pick up the pieces and begin banging rocks together right from Square One.

This happens periodically for two solid reasons:

  1. Humans have no historical memory, none whatever, except for a few scholars.
  2. Humans can take only so much complexity before they want to tear it down.

Sure, you’re scared of Trump. You have every reason to be. He’s a huge, ugly bully with a fat agenda of hate, anger, frustration…

Hey, every day that guy goes BALLISTIC with rage and frustration.

Is that the kind of life YOU’D like to be living? Poor bastard, pity him. More than pity him, target him for Enlightenment, by PERFORMING A RITUAL COMEDY ROUTINE ON HIM.

Yes, a comedy routine CAN be a sort of Voodoo Doll approach to communication, don’t you think?

It suddenly occurs to me — between Al Franken, Rob and Carl Reiner and Billy Crystal, you have some really excellent examples of exactly how to CONVERT RAGE into humor, and if the humor REACHES THE PUBLIC, it will serve to roast the bastard quite royally, with the scorn and pity and ridicule he so richly deserves.


If you give in to anger and rage and frustration with Donald Trump and it turns into violent hatred and pissed-off action, you’ll be playing right into his hands.

Giving in to the kind of tantrums and rages displayed in public by Donald Trump the Idiot President brings YOU right down to his level, about the emotional age of 3 years old.

You won’t accomplish anything by punching a Donald Trump punching bag around all day long, although THOUSANDS of people have ordered one and are now using it to get rid of the frustration and anger they feel toward Trump and Washington in general.

It won’t do any good to punch a punching bag. That doesn’t hurt Trump, it hurts YOU.

Trump would just love to see you give in to your rage. He IS the Emperor in Star Wars, urging you to give in to the Dark Side, but if you’re smart, you won’t.

You can make real change by using the most magical of all weapons, comedy. You can get fast, fast relief by making fun of the weirdest and most absurd American Presidents in U.S. history, Donald “Rump-Roast” Trumpenstein, or is it Trumplestilskin?

Either way, you have a TRULY GREAT comedy target in Donald Trump. Rejoice in it, and wish him EIGHT GOOD YEARS, or better yet, hope for him that he gets his wish and becomes the ABSOLUTE RULER OF PLANET EARTH.

And it shall come to pass that he shall be known as “Emperor Ridiculous I” and his stepson shall be known as “Emperor Ridiculus II” and so forth to the end of time, or nuclear annihilation by the disappointed aliens who can’t wait to try again, this time with ants.

Yes, ants.

Ants are automatically telepathic and have as a result a group brain, quite a bit superior to the local small brain that humans are forced to operate with, because they block their telepathic channels so they can lie, cheat, steal and betray.

In a fully functioning telepathic society, you can’t do any of those things, so Trump would be instantly revealed as a captured tool of Russian agents and business associates.

Take your revenge in COMEDY RELIEF.

If you’re one of the many millions of Amerikans who were robbed by Donald Trump of their freedoms, sense of unity, exhilaration for life and the zest and energy to go to work every day until you drop, you’ll appreciate these barbs of scorn and ridicule for the worst and stupidest U.S. President in history.

Regain your equilibrium! Rejoice in life again! Have a day without fear! These are the benefits of pushing some doggie-doo into the face of a thoroughly bizarre example of toupee art gone mad.

I’ve never called any U.S. President an asshole.

I try to treat all high government officials with the respect they demand, whether or not they deserve it, because that IS the payoff to being a high and mighty muckamuck, and they won’t let you, me or anyone else forget it.

They’re in it for the admiration.

Okay, that having been said, I find myself constantly saying “Trump is such a fuckhead”, and “Trump is a total asshole”, and “Go Fuck Yourself, Donald”, and that can’t be good for the soul.

So I make the effort to convert my total scorn for a thoroughly evil beast without an ounce of ethics or integrity into something that is constructive.

You won’t make any points with Trump on an intellectual level, basically because he has no brain — it’s all knee-jerk reaction.

You can’t reason with Trump, because he’s totally, raving nuts insane.

You can’t argue with Trump, because he’s the President, and he could have you summarily executed for insulting him, just as any King or Emperor would do.

You can’t get through the armor with reason or facts.

Trump is impervious to facts. When a fact happens that he doesn’t like, he simply makes it not exist, and from that moment, for him at least, it no longer does.

Reason doesn’t work on the insane. Facts do no good against mindless drivel and party propaganda and banter and accusations. Remember that a fundamental trait of the NPD is to blame others and accuse others of what they themselves have done and are doing.

You can’t make him hear you or see you.

But you CAN hold him up to ridicule, and that has to hurt, when you’re as egotistic and puffed up and self-inflated as this creature seems to be. He’ll never see or hear what you have to say, but many folks will hear it, think it and say it because YOU gave them the courage to speak out.

Whether you’re a big fan of insane fuckhead dictators and want to help them build monuments to their glory, or you’re just browsing around for something Trumpish that might tickle the funnybone, these little comedy quips might just fit the bill.

Normally, these zingers are kept aside for the occasional rude heckler, but that describes Donald Trump to a “T”. On the other hand, they could be applied to almost anyone else likely to be sitting in the White House Oval Office.

The fact is that Obama wasn’t worth making fun of — there wasn’t that much funny about him, although from his actions you can see that he is sincere and has the public interest at heart, at least ten thousand million times more than Mister Oil Pipeline.

Okay, there have been a few U.S. Presidents that deserved to have some comedy punchlines heaved at them and heaped up at their feet. FDR was as close to Trump as you’ll find out there on the History Channel.

Polk was a nothing, even less of a pimple on the face of history than Donald Trump. I write an average of 20,000 words a day, and spend good time composing and reworking and sharpening and trimming my words, because I’m a professional writer and editor.

What kind of compositional skills do you need to post a few words on Twitter?

Like I said, he’s an idiot with a fake education.

I will BET MONEY and give good odds that I can wipe Trump across the floor with a few well-chosen quips, compared to his highest level of comedic wit, “Fuck you!”, which is his Final Refuge when all other witticisms fail him, and they do, for he is truly witless.

Is he really a Closet King?

He doesn’t have to be, because now he’s real close to his actual goal — to be more powerful and more important than Putin, but that, of course, is impossible for anyone other than Putin to accomplish and besides, he already has.

In short, the job is filled, so fuck off, Donald.

Where in the entire modern world could you find someone so deserving of a shit-pie in the face? Wouldn’t you love to cram your fist into his fat stomach just one time, for destroying what’s left of your miserable life?

Well, calm yourself, bunkie. He’s no more responsible for his words and actions than any other robot.

Yes, I said “robot”.

The fact is — and this will be revealed by history — Donald Trump is LIVING IN RUSSIA TODAY.

You are familiar with the so-called “SexBots” offered now on TV? These are “Almost Alive” robots that have been programmed to respond sexually to advances of any nearby human, although they can be set to respond to only one, for a few extra bucks.

I bought myself a SexBot on the internet the other day, just to see what it did, and it arrived yesterday afternoon. I was all set to test it out last night, but it had a headache.

See? That’s a gag I just wrote, and YOU CAN DO IT, TOO!!! Just see what strikes your funnybone and push it a little more, and test it, try it, see how the timing works, because it IS all about timing and delivery, not subject matter or material.

So then why use Trump as a comedy target?

Um, uh, Because He’s There??? No, that’s a mountain, and Trump is no mountain, not even a molehill. Hell, he’s hardly an ant farm.

Two ants in an ant farm, talking to each other. There’s a huge fuzzy eyeball just behind them. First ant says to the second ant, “I get the distinct feeling we’re being watched.”.

Long, long line of ants on a field, stretching out into the far distance, coming into the near foreground. There is one lone ant standing just outside the long, long line of ants. He says: “Mind if I cut in?”.

Years ago when I knew people in the publishing field, I had the idea for a funny book for someone who just isn’t great at drawing, has no drawing skills whatever, which would be a book of ant gags, with the ants represented by little black dots of India ink.

I didn’t do it, although Roger Price, publisher of Price, Stern & Sloan, was dating my Mom until he found out she hadn’t a funny bone in her.  Not actually grim, but always serious and never cracking much of a smile. Forget the belly-laugh.

On the other hand, my Dad was one of the funniest people on the face of the planet, and the authors of at least fifty science fiction autobiographies would agree. Actually, all four brothers were extremely funny — Dave, Sanford, Horace and the funniest of all of them, my Uncle Cliff, who wrote under the name “Floyd C. Gale”.

Never mind the ant farm. It’s not important, because WE’RE DOING A MONEY TRICK! The reference is to a comedy magic routine performed as a standup by a very young Harry Anderson. The routine is called “Hello, Sucker!” and is a total riot, but don’t try it at home.

Trump as a comedy target is rich, because there isn’t a single day he isn’t prominently in the news. By this time, every other administration was settled in for the duration, but Trump is UNCONSCIOUSLY prolonging the agony in order to keep himself in the public eye, which he craves more than anything else, and I’ll tell you the deep secret reason why:


That fact creates his entire fantasy world and drives his insanity, his NPD Core Illness.

On October 31st, 1950, Halloween Night, five year old Donny Trump was left alone in the dark in his room, by his Dad, who could not tolerate the child.

No amount of screaming made a difference, and he’s still screaming in pain over this event today. Somehow, the synaptic connection made a constant contact with this event and a fear of death, hence his compulsion to COMMUNICATE on Twitter, lacking friends to whom he can go with his frustrations and his fears.

The combined effect is the deep metaprogramming layer which responds to the DNA CONTROL COMMAND, “Mustn’t die alone”.

This fear of dying alone is what causes him to tweet on Twitter and sit up with companions through the dark hours and try to distract himself from the slowly passing  minutes and the crawling hours of darkness and despair.

He can never admit that he’s terrified, but he is, and his attempts to distract us from his fear ends up looking like anger and rage. Never forget that those things are merely fear in disguise.

Trump tries to camouflage his fears with rage, but nobody is fooled. You can SEE his fear on his sad, miserable, thoroughly sad and disappointed face.

He has everything, and it’s all empty.

Fuckin’ hell, I’ve been saying that for billenia.

He’s terrified of dying, but even more so, of dying ALONE, so he creates TONS OF DRAMA to make sure that he is constantly surrounded by people who are continually aware of him.

This satisfies nothing, but he doesn’t know what else to do, and he isn’t programmed for intelligence, as you can easily see and hear for yourself. I don’t need to convince you that he’s a total shmuck, and I wouldn’t dream of changing your opinion.

In the meantime, I’m going to have some fun at the expense of Donald Trump. Does he deserve my disrespect and scorn and ridicule?

You bet he does.

That bastard robbed me of my country. The motherfucker — and I use the term advisedly, based on several rumors about Trump and some women in his “Spin Factory” — should be taken out and put up against the wall, if he actually conspired with his friends, the richest Russians in Russia, to destroy the United States — that’d be treason, pure & simple.

I’m wrong to call him a traitor. He isn’t even human.

You probably saw the news coverage and the CNN specials about the new sex robots coming out of Japan.

They’re so realistic, you could meet one in the lobby of a hotel, have a conversation, a drink at the bar and go up to a guest room and have sex, and you’d never know.

That’s how real they are. Even the skin is warm to the touch.

How do I know? Read on!

Trump is a Russian Robot.

Of course, if I’m right, and Donald Trump IS a cleverly made Russian Robot, it’s already happened. By now, probably half the Congress and most of the Military General Staff have been replaced by Russian Robots, engineered by Donald Trump.

He gets on the phone to some General or Senator and says, “Say, Bob, will you meet me for lunch at the UFO stand near the West Wing? Of course, he’s immediately snatched up into a Reverse-Engineered Russian UFO.

They’ve had them for years, and were on the Moon and Mars long before there was a space program. Yep, there IS a Secret Military Base on the Moon, and another on Mars, and still another on Io — yes, Io.

Anyone who remains unaware of the “deals” between various governments and Dracos and Lizardos has got to be sleeping deeply. There is abundant evidence from around the world that aliens are presently on Planet Earth, and they’re getting worried.

They are more worried about Donald Trump than about any other world leader, including Kim Jung Um, who has to be the worst case of inbreeding I’ve seen since Akhenaten and Nefertiti.

Speaking of elongated skulls, badly made and badly fitting toupees, and alien hybrids abducting government officials, let’s look at what else makes Trump funny.

To begin with, he’s ugly, really, truly ugly-repulsive, and his facial contortions, when they twist with inner hate and anger and frustration, become truly magnificent in their sheer power to disgust the senses.

In short, he’s so ugly, he has to sneak up on his own shadow, to quote Moms Mabley, who would have had a hell of a lot to say about this creep, and that opens up the subject of Trump as a comedy target, but let’s look at the potential for comedy, here.

I have deliberately avoided researching Trump, in order to keep my Remote Reads clean and clear, but I’ll bet dollars to donuts that Trump’s education level is surprisingly low, and that there’s a LOT of stuff that we have every right to assume he knows, but he doesn’t.

One of the biggest comedy slams on record is the takedown of the puffed-up, and Donald Trump certainly qualifies in that category. The more inflated the ego, the greater the effect on the comedy audience.

There hasn’t been an ego that big in the White House, not EVER!

You’ll note that Donald Trump is UNABLE TO ADMIT THAT HE IS WRONG. This makes him a PRIME comedy target, if you add into that his ability to throw the entire world into nuclear mayhem anytime the whim strikes him or the voice behind his left eyebrow tells him that he must kill again.

This guy is paranoid, classic paranoid. He has the CIA and FBI watching him in Trump Towers, his IMPENETRABLE CASTLE. He views himself as a KING, not as a President, and he fully intends to take over the military and do pretty much what his bedmate Putin did to Russia.

The difference is, Amerikans won’t tolerate him for very long, and they’ll dump him, just as the South Koreans impeached their asshole leader just a few days ago. That’s gotta get a lot of people thinking in that direction, even the densest and most stupid of Republicans, although they’ll tend to wait until Trump is actually standing on THEIR neck, not somebody else’s.

What makes Trump a comedy target is the same thing that makes anyone a comedy target. He takes himself seriously.

It would come as no surprise to anyone, then, to discover that Trump has had THREE UFO abduction experiences in just that one lifetime. He has revealed this in his published letters, and will soon go public with these facts, even though I just made them up, because that’s how the Law of Irony works, see?

As I’ve said many times, and am prepared to prove at the drop of a hat, I have no feelings whatever about Donald Trump. He’s just another criminal in Washington, and that’s not news, and hasn’t been news since the Dawn of Time.

Humans of Planet Earth … you know I love ’em.

Quite apart from what Trump is doing to a once-great nation just to feed his little-boy ego, and his tendency to play with plastic toy soldiers, he’s the most incredible comedy target since John Quincy Adams.

If you don’t have your Atlantean Self released yet, there’s very little chance you’ll remember any of this, and frankly, even those who remember being there won’t have much good or smart or funny to say about John Quincy Adams today, because hardly anyone remembers the Good Old Days.

It may seem new to you, but if you were in your Higher Mind, you’d see clearly that this has all happened before, because that’s the nature of the game — it’s built into complexity out of a single simplicity compounded, reflected and refracted.

You can buy a Trump Doll Avatar on Second Life and do a comedy routine right there on Second Life AS TRUMP!!! Impersonation is still legal, so do it while you still can!!! Soon, all disrespect of Trump will be punished with IRS and Medical Coverage revenge against taxpayers who dare to speak up.

Remain silent to remain safe, but it doesn’t last. Eventually, your name comes up on the list, and you face the gas chambers yourself, along with your family and friends and yes, it has come to this point before, many times before, and nobody seems to see it coming.


In short, the UNIVERSAL LAWS follow the plan and directives and command controls laid down in the GODD 3-D Game Maker Engine & Editor, which exists apart from the universe in the Causal Plane.

The software in the GODD Engine duplicates the quantum regulations that govern all universes and clusters.

  1. LAW OF SIMILARITY — That which is like something else is, for all practical purposes, that “something else”. Similarity causes connection.
  2. LAW OF CONTAGION — That which has once been in total contact with something else is forever in contact unless consciously broken.
  3. LAW OF IRONY — If it makes you groan with the irony of it all, it will probably happen.
  4. LAW OF IMPROBABILITY — If it can’t possibly happen, it will.
  5. LAW OF FUNNY — If it’s funny, you gotta say it or do it.
  6. LAW OF THIRDS — One third of the audience will think it’s great, one third will hate it and the other third will think and do nothing at all.
  7. LAW OF DISPLACEMENT — If you put it down in a spot where you always put it and expect to find it, it won’t be there until the next time you look in the same spot.

I’ve included far more material than you’ll need for the FIVE MINUTE ROUTINE I’ve planned for you. Why only five minutes?

Because five minutes is a LOT of time onstage, that’s why, and the attention span of the average audience is measured in Planck Time, which figures to come out at about {\displaystyle t_{\mathrm {P} }\equiv {\sqrt {\frac {\hbar G}{c^{5}}}}\approx 5.391\,16(13)\times 10^{-44}\ \mathrm {s} } or less.

I hope that helps you.

Five minutes is all I had when I did my comedy act in New York City in 1964 at clubs around Greenwich Village, especially the Clubhouse, where I did the interstitial fill-in between the Holy Modal Rounders’ song sets, even though Peter Stampfel was himself incredibly funny, because he needed a break, is why.

Sometimes I did a full 20 minute set, but that was rare at the Playhouse, more common at other clubs where there were typically three acts per night, tops.

So how you fill the five minutes is you TRY ALL THE LINES first, then go through them again, delivering the lines aloud, noting which lines YOU FEEL MOST COMFORTABLE WITH and that feel like they “belong” in the set.

Okay, try it on an audience.

You may not be able to get yourself a slot in a local comedy club, even on an open mike night, because the competition is SO fierce, now that comedy and standup are considered cool.

Back in the day, if you were a “comic”, you lived alone, ate alone and slept alone.

Once you have your comedy routine selections written down, TRY THEM MANY TIMES on as many audiences as you can find around you, EXCEPT AT WORK.

I got fired from KTTV-TV studios in 1966, for telling jokes on my mail delivery route. Not raw jokes, just ANY jokes. Mail clerks don’t talk. they deliver the mail. Find a way to get your comedy out there that doesn’t get you dumped out on the street, or don’t blame me if it happens to you. You’ve been warned.

The way insult humor works best is to keep yourself absolutely UNINVOLVED. You’re just a spectator, a commentator, an interlocutor — if you don’t know what “interlocutor” means, you’ll have to look it up yourself or remain ignorant, and that’s the basis of Trump humor.

When Trump says something outrageous, you don’t have to look it up to discover that he made it up out of thin air, and that’s always funny. So without further ado, here are the comedy routine parts from which to choose.

Take your time when you’re building your comedy routine. You won’t have that experience too many times in a lifetime. Relax with it, make it fit your headspace. Don’t worry about the headspace of the audience — they’ll come to your headspace, if you play it right.


  • Donald Trump suffers from insomnia. He keeps waking up every few days.
  • Trump finally got a good night’s sleep, but it didn’t do him any good. All night long, he dreamed that he was awake!
  • There’s nothing wrong with Donald Trump that a good case of Reincarnation wouldn’t cure.
  • He should move out of the White House and go home — his cage is clean.
  • Some people would like to break Donald Trump in half, but who wants two of him?
  • He ought to take up clarinet for a deaf cobra.
  • Donald Trump’s soul should only find peace, and the sooner the better.
  • People like to hate him in installments, so it’ll last longer.
  • He leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths.
  • He’s all right in his place, but they haven’t finished digging it yet.
  • I understand that Trump wants to be kind to his inferiors, but where will he find them?
  • When Donald Trump had greatness thrust upon him, he asked if it came with directions.
  • Melania is okay as a First Lady, but I get the definite impression that Eva Braun did not die in that bunker in Berlin.
  • Next time Donald Trump wants to express himself, suggest UPS or FEDEX.
  • Donald Trump lives on the wrong side of a one-track mind.
  • Donald Trump never did an honest day’s work in his life, and he didn’t do that very well, either.
  • Donald Trump would give away the shirt off his back — the Health Department would insist.
  • Donald Trump is a man who started on the bottom, and has gone down ever since.
  • Donald Trump thinks the bubble-gum cards are great works of literature.
  • Donald Trump doesn’t like to exaggerates his accomplishments, but he tries his best.
  • Donald’s mouth is big enough to sing a duet.
  • Donald Trump can’t see a belt without hitting below it.
  • Donald Trump is so vain, he would take his own hand in marriage.
  • Donald Trump’s Bible has only six commandments, and two of those are just requests.
  • Trump is really moving, but that’s because he’s going downhill.
  • You’ll have to excuse Donald Trump — he’s going through a nonentity crisis.
  • Donald Trump wouldn’t have the milk of human kindness if he ate an entire cow.
  • The way Donald Trump finds fault, you’d think there was a reward.
  • Everybody loves Donald Trump, and so does he!
  • Whenever Donald Trump walks into a room, people give him a creeping ovation.
  • Trump has all the charm of a dirty Christmas card.
  • An insurance agent told Trump, “Now that you’re married, you should get insurance.” “Nah,” he responded, “I don’t think she’ll be THAT dangerous.”
  • If they ever put a price on Trump’s head, he should take it.
  • If Trump had an extra brain, he’d have one brain.
  • Trump is a self-made man, which relieves God of some of the responsibility.
  • Trump gives “success” a bad name.
  • It wouldn’t do Trump any good to see himself as others see him — he’d never believe it.
  • Trump got his stooped posture by living down to his ideals.
  • Trump comes from a long line his mother once heard.
  • If Trump had his life to live over, he should spare us the trouble.
  • Trump never opens his mouth unless he has nothing to say.
  • Trump has had it rough, lately. His organ-grinder died.
  • Trump has no enemies, but his friends won’t be seen with him.
  • When Trump cleans his nails, he loses 20 pounds.
  • Trump wears a shirt and tie to cover up his choke collar.
  • Donald was an unwanted child. He asked his parents if he were adopted, and they said, “Yes, but they returned you.”.
  • Trump would make a perfect stranger.
  • Trump is so negative he won’t even eat food that agrees with him.
  • Trump is such a creep; when he served on jury duty, they found him guilty.
  • Trump called Dial-a-Prayer and asked for his messages.
  • Trump is nobody’s fool. He freelances.
  • There’s good news and bad news for Americans today. The bad news is, the Martians have landed. The good news is, they eat politicians, and pee gasoline.
  • In Trump’s case, you can’t believe everything you hear, but you certainly can repeat it.
  • With two words, Donald Trump can light up a room. “Good night.”
  • Trump was supposed to take a trip on Air Force One, but he couldn’t remember the flight number!


In this style of routine, you’re talking directly TO Trump, not ABOUT Trump, as in the previous material above.

  • Hey, Trump, why don’t you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride?
  • Hey, Trump, you could give failure a bad name.
  • Hey, Trump, if they ever put a price on your head, take it!
  • Hey, Trump, You have some great thoughts. Let them work their way up to your mouth!
  • Hey, Trump, you have lot of get-up-and-go. Please do!
  • Hey, Trump, try a mind-reader — you can get in for half-price.
  • Hey, Trump, you’ve got the kind of face I’d like to shake hands with.
  • Hey, Trump, when you get up in the morning, who puts you together?
  • Hey, Trump, why don’t you go down to the seashore and pull a wave over your head?
  • Hey, Trump, let’s play library. You be the “silence” sign.
  • Hey, Trump, I believe in human rights. I guess that leaves you out.
  • Hey, Trump, dpn’t you ever get tired of having yourself around?
  • Hey, Trump, brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.
  • Hey, Trump, I’d like to forget you exactly the way you are.
  • Hey, Trump, you’re not yourself today, and it’s a definite improvement.

Those are two modern styles of comedy routine related to a specific comedy target, ie; Donald Trump, a Legend in His Own Mind.

Let’s look at another style of comedy delivery, which is the STORY.


In this comedic form, you tell an anecdotal story about Trump. The most important factor is something I cover in every one of my comedy workshops and clinics — the setting of the story MUST BE REAL TO YOU.

Base the setting on an actual experience experienced by you. Place the characters and the story in a setting that you can vividly remember out of your own recent past.

You’ll visualize the events as you relate the story, and the audience will SEE it with you if you make the visualization powerful enough that you actually see and feel the timespace before you.

This creates a REALITY  for your story that will penetrate even the densest and deepest unconsciousness.

People live their lives BLOCKED from the Higher Influences and Experiential Realms, and when they do happen to wander outside their little boxes, they run back and hide, real fast.

Your job is to make sure they stay out of their rabbit hole long enough to have a good belly laugh at Donald Trump’s expense. Believe me, he can afford it, and he richly deserves your scorn and ridicule.


A story is very different from a one-liner or a fast quip or wise and funny observation. A story has just a little more “meat” to it, a bit more depth. Let’s take it from the shorter story forms first, and then build it up. Your story can be drawn from your daily life, by simply adapting funny stories to your life. Simple as that. Speak from experience:

  • Trump goes to a doctor, asks the doctor, “Doctor, how do I stand?” The doctor answers, “That’s what’s puzzling me.”
  • Trump’s doctor tells him that he’s raving nuts psychotic. “Fake news,” retorts Trump, “I want a second opinion.” “Okay, the doctor continues, “and you’re ugly, too.”
  • Donald Trump was visiting a small country village in England many years ago, along with his then-wife Ivana and a dozen kids. “You have twelve children?” she smiled. “No, we have sixteen, four more at home,” Ivana replied. “Sixteen children?” the woman responded, “for that, you should have a knighthood!” “My husband has a dozen of them,” replied Ivana, “but he hates to wear them.”
  • Donald Trump walks into a wig shop and is immediately topped with a piece of orange-pink crap that the store was trying to get rid of. “This is you,” the salesman cried out. “Can I try on something else?” Trump replied. The owner of the shop came over to help, while the salesman turned Trump’s head to the left, then to the right, several times, then had him turn completely around and look in the mirror on the other side. The owner smiled, and said, “This toupee looks GREAT on you!” “I’ll take it,” Trump said, and left the shop. “Do you see how easily a sale can be made?” the owner said triumphantly. “Yeah,” the salesman agreed, “but who got him dizzy for you?”
  • Recently, President Obama said that each incoming President should have in hand three envelopes, the contents of which would only be revealed upon opening them. During the first 100 days, when the going is always rough, the new President should open the first envelope, inside which is the message, “Blame the guy who was in office before you!”. At the end of the second year, he should open the second envelope, inside which will be the message, “Blame Congress!” and at the end of the third year in office, when he feels battered and bloody, he should open the third envelope and read the message within: “Prepare three envelopes.”.
  • Donald Trump was overheard on his Presidential chopper saying to his buddies, “I don’t hate Mexico. Hell, in Mexico I can get a fifty pound sack of sugar, two bushels of corn, a quart of whisky and a woman for twenty bucks; the problem is, the booze is awful.
  • Trump was on one of those $9 million vacations in Florida again and he decided to ignore warnings, as per usual, and he dove into the ice-cold crashing surf and was caught in the undertow. A bellhop from his resort whipped off his shoes and jacket and dove in after him and a few minutes later, had landed him safely on the beach, where he turns to Steve Bannon, who has been watching the whole thing from the safety of the sand, and asks him, “What do you tip for saving your life?”

There are a million story type jokes and gags for you to draw upon as well, and there’s nothing stopping you from making up your own jokes or adapting existing jokes to your purpose.

Keep your barbs sharp and to the point. How about a routine in which you impersonate Trump, either with makeup or not, or as a Trump Avatar in a live Second Life performance or a machinima you post on youtube for the world to see.


For many years now, the border between Poland and Russia has been volatile, shifting this way and that, so one year you were a Russian, the next year you were a Pole. I remember the time I was first told I was now Polish. “Thank God,” I said, “no more of those freezing Russian winters!”

A Moscovite walked into a department store, marched up to the shoe section and demanded a pair of shoes. “What size?” asked the clerk. “I wear a size 41, but I want size 36.” The clerk was surprised, and asked him, “Why?” “Because at home at the end of the day, when I take off my shoes, that will be the most pleasure I’ve had all day long!”

My tooth was throbbing, so I managed to send for a Russian dentist who was recommended by my friend Dmitri. I learned that the fee was going to be 3 million Rubles — about $50,000 in pre-distabilized Amerikan currency — and to tell the truth, I balked. That sounded like a bad deal to me, so I asked why it cost so much. “We have operate to pull the tooth. It has to come out through your ear. You’re not allowed to open your mouth here in Russia!”

Trump visited his favorite expensive Strictly VIP Moscow brothel, and after he was taken care of, he sat with the prostitute to have a sip of tea before leaving. “Why don’t you join us at my Trump Moscow country club later on?”, but she said “No, I can’t. It’s bad enough — my Mom would hardly even agree to me joining this brothel.”

I went to the opera the other day with my daughter-wife Ivanka. We saw a vintage Russian opera, “Comrade Butterfly”.

When I get to Hell, I plan to establish myself in the Russian Sector; that way I know the heating won’t be working.

Russian Roulette isn’t a bad game; the problem is, not enough Russians are playing it.

Two rabbits met in the middle of Siberia, and one said to the other, “We’ve got to get out of here. They’re going to castrate us.” That’s ridiculous,” the second rabbit said, “they’re only going to castrate camels.” The first rabbit said, “Okay, wiseguy, after they castrate you, try to prove that you’re NOT a camel.”

Well, it finally happened. Russia ran out of shortages, and in Russia, a person can really talk his head off!

You know why Russian Police always travel in threes, right? The first can read, the second can write, and the third policeman is there to guard those two members of the intelligentsia.

MURZILKA just ran a contest for the funniest antigovernment joke. First Prize was 20 years!

Yevgeni Popov asked me last week about my secret Amerikan contacts, and naturally, I told him to ask me at the next meeting, which is now. Oh, but wait — whatever happened to Yevgeni Popov???

To repay Russia for its many shipments of food and weapons, the Egyptians sent a mummy to the Kuskevo Estate for its permanent collection. The Egyptian Egyptologist who brought and installed the mummy in the museum display section commented that he had no idea exactly how old the mummy was. The Russian scientists said they’d soon find out, and sure enough, they announce a few days later that they knew the exact age of the mummy. “How did you find out?” the Egyptian curator asked, now curious. “The mummy confessed.”

Well, you get the idea. None of these gags are “mine”, nor are they yours. You can’t legally copyright a joke, not just one standalone joke, although you can copyright a collection of jokes. They’re just too short for copyright to take effect.

Technically, a song would fall into the same category, but it has other protections, although these days, nothing is safe, nowhere is safe.

Even your cell phone and your Pong Game can be turned against you.

See You At The Top!!!