Free Trump Comedy Roast!!!

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Here’s a FREE comedy roast I put together just for you. It will help with the pain, believe me. Laughter is the Best Medicine, so they say. That’s fortunate, because it’s the only medical procedure covered by my current healthcare plan. I kept the gags pretty tame — I have the ability to make slashingly biting comments, but choose not to go there.

Keep in mind that you’re gonna have to use these gags really soon. Trump won’t last the year, I’m guessing, so book your comedy gigs early and work up an act featuring Pence, or you won’t be working standup comedy gigs next year, is my prediction.

Today, Trump. Tomorrow, Steve “Suckass” Bannon — he’s a private citizen now, so we can truly go to town on him! He thinks HE has weapons in the keyboard? What a maroon. He never came up against me, or anything remotely like me, but he’s in my radar now.

In the Bardos, he’s hamburger. Without further ado, here is the FREE comedy routine, which took me the better part of two days to whittle down to this size.

 

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  • Donald Trump suffers from insomnia. He keeps waking up every few days.
  • Trump finally got a good night’s sleep, but it didn’t do him any good. All night long, he dreamed that he was awake!
  • He should move out of the White House and go home — his cage is clean.
  • Some people would like to break Donald Trump in half, but who wants two of him?
  • He ought to take up clarinet for a deaf cobra.
  • People like to hate him in installments, so it’ll last longer.
  • I understand that Trump wants to be kind to his inferiors, but where will he find them?
  • When Donald Trump had greatness thrust upon him, he asked if it came with directions.
  • Next time Donald Trump wants to express himself, I suggest he use FEDEX.
  • Donald Trump lives on the wrong side of a one-track mind.
  • Donald Trump would give away the shirt off his back — the Health Department would insist.
  • Donald Trump is a man who started on the bottom but didn’t live up to those early expectations.
  • Donald Trump thinks bubble-gum cards are great works of art.
  • Donald Trump doesn’t like to exaggerates his accomplishments, but he tries his best.
  • Donald Trump can’t see a belt without hitting below it.
  • Donald Trump is so vain, he would take his own hand in marriage.
  • Donald Trump’s Bible doesn’t have Ten Commandments, just two requests.
  • You’ll have to excuse Donald Trump — he’s going through a nonentity crisis.
  • Donald Trump wouldn’t have the milk of human kindness if he ate an entire cow.
  • The way Donald Trump finds fault, you’d think there was a reward.
  • Everybody loves Donald Trump, and so does he!
  • Whenever Donald Trump walks into a room, people give him a creeping ovation.
  • Trump has all the charm of an obscene Christmas card.
  • If Trump had an extra brain, he’d have one brain.
  • Trump is a self-made man, which relieves God of some of the responsibility.
  • Trump gives “failure” a bad name.
  • Trump got his posture by living down to his ideals.
  • Trump comes from a long line his mother once heard.
  • Trump never opens his mouth unless he has nothing to say.
  • Trump has had it rough, lately. His organ-grinder died.
  • Trump has no enemies, but his friends won’t be seen with him.
  • Donald was an unwanted child. He asked his parents if he were adopted, and they said, “Yes, but they returned you.”.
  • Trump would make a perfect stranger.
  • Trump is so negative he won’t even eat FOOD that agrees with him.
  • When Trump served on jury duty, they found him guilty.
  • Trump called Dial-a-Prayer and asked for his messages.
  • Trump is nobody’s fool. He freelances.
  • There’s good news and bad news for Americans today. The bad news is, the Martians have landed. The good news is, they eat politicians and pee gasoline.
  • In Trump’s case, you can’t believe everything you hear, but you certainly can repeat it.
  • With three little words, Donald Trump can light up a room — “I’m leaving now.”

 

 

HEY, TRUMP! — AN ULTRA-SHORT COMEDY SET

  • Hey, Trump, why don’t you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride?
  • Hey, Trump, if they ever put a price on your head, take it!
  • Hey, Trump, You have some great thoughts. Let them work their way up to your mouth!
  • Hey, Trump, you have lot of get-up-and-go. Please get up and go!
  • Hey, Trump, try a mind-reader — you can get in for half-price.
  • Hey, Trump, I believe in human rights. I guess that leaves you out.
  • Hey, Trump, don’t you ever get tired of having yourself around?
  • Hey, Trump, brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.
  • Hey, Trump, I’d like to forget you exactly the way you are.
  • Hey, Trump, you’re not yourself today, and it’s a definite improvement.

You have permission to use and perform any and all of the gags listed above, and I hope that the laughter it provokes takes away at least some of the pain.

Racism of any kind is an ugly thing. Keep it out of our politics and out of our lives. Use humor as a weapon in this war for American values.

There’s only one way to get through the thick armor of the NPD — bitingly funny and elegantly witty standup comedy.

No skin can withstand standup. The Quip is Mightier than the Particle Beam Weapon.

See You At The Top!!!

gorby

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